“Hotness delusion syndrome”

An ECCIE thread here, and an article about the theory here, pretty much the same as quoted in the ECCIE thread.

Ummm, really???  Guys in their 40′s think they’re hotter than they really are?  Is that common?

It’s hard to tell for sure because nothing I could find online had more detail than the article above.  I assume that there was some research or polling underlying all that (apparently conducted in Australia — maybe they’re different down under ), but assumptions are often not safe.  To know for sure whether the articles misconstrued or hyped his actual conclusions, I might have to buy and read his book, and I’m not sure knowing the answer is worth the cost and effort.

My initial reaction, though, was that the author might be blurring the distinction between thinking you’re attractive and thinking you’re hot.  They’re not necessarily the same thing, since one may attract the opposite sex based on traits other than physical appearance.  In fact, if guys in their 40′s are in high demand when it comes to dating, almost by definition a significant number of women find them “attractive.”

I don’t really remember my 40′s very well, and my perspective may have been different from what it is now that I’m 59.  But I suspect it hasn’t changed that much.  I am (was?) an average-looking guy.  I was/am OK with how I looked, but was never really deluded.  I admit that I had/have an overly positive mental self-image of myself, fixed in my mind when I was younger and in better shape and updated less frequently than my driver license photo.  I imagine a lot of people do; just consider the frequency of jokes about not recognizing that face in the mirror.  But that’s the whole point, we do have mirrors.  You know the saying that a (TV or movie) camera adds 5 pounds?  Today, my mirror adds about 15-20 pounds and 10+ years. And there are one or two features that don’t look quite as nice as in my mental self-image.  (The most obvious is my mouth.  When I think I have a neutral expression, it looks sour.  When I think I’m grinning or showing happiness, it looks frozen or embalmed.  *sigh*  Oh, well, que sera sera.)  That corrected image is still not repulsive, though.  Sure, I’d like to lose some weight and look younger, but I’m not depressed about it.  The mirror is certainly enough, though, to avoid HDS.  I suspect that it is for most guys.  There are bound to be guys who delude themselves into thinking they’re hot, just as there are guys who delude themselves into thinking they’re more unattractive than they really are.  But the majority, I suspect, have a fairly accurate view of how we would be perceived by the opposite sex.  If anything, popular entertainment might make us think that we’re less attractive than we really are.  But most of us realize that stars of TV and movies are far from the norm.

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One thing did strike me about the discussion in the ECCIE thread.  It started with this post by incognitio isis:

I just think men get more confident in themselves because they have achieved more once they hit 40.

There was a similar comment later by someone else.  I’m not sure that’s precisely right, though.  It suggests that confidence in other areas transfers to confidence in attracting the opposite sex, i.e., thinking one is “attractive” or “hot.”

I suspect, instead, it’s that age, experience, and possibly achievement in other areas makes one more relaxed rather than necessarily confident.  It’s not that we’re more likely, because of that achievement, to think that we’re hot.  It’s that we’re less likely than when we were younger to worry about whether or not we are hot.  That has a couple of different facets.  First, we realize that any one loss is not the end of the world.  There’s always tomorrow and a new challenge; maybe we’ll win then.  If Ellen isn’t attracted to us, maybe Mary will be.  It’s nothing to get depressed about.

Second, we realize that “hot” is not all there is.  I recall recognizing this latter concept in myself in the context of my participation in a competitive sport.  (At least, I consider it a sport.)  I was better than most at it but I frequently ran across people who were obviously and significantly better at it than I was.  And occasionally I would catch myself thinking “Yeah, but I’m more successful at my job than they are.”  I know that sounds weird, perhaps arrogant, and smacks of a competitive urge to dominate.  That’s not how it felt, though.  It felt like more a defensive mechanism than an offensive mechanism.  I wasn’t trying to convince myself that I was better than they were.  I was reassuring myself that I wasn’t necessarily worse than they were.  There are hundreds or thousands of things at which I will never excel.  That’s OK, though; I can be adequate, mediocre, or even lousy at those things and excel at something else.  I think I probably apply that attitude to the “hotness” question too.  Yes, there are a lot of guys who are better looking than I am.  That’s OK, because “hot” is not the only game in town.  A lady who doesn’t consider me great-looking may still enjoy my company for other reasons.  And if she doesn’t, some other lady may.

Part of what we gain as we age, I think, is that we relax and lose the obsession over being the best.  It’s not confidence that we will win at X.  It’s being comfortable that although we usually won’t win at X, we may sometimes; and that even if we don’t win at X, we may win at Y.  In any event, not winning is not the end of the world.  Just competing can be fun, whether we win or lose.

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All of that was in the context of civilian relationships.  (I don’t have much recent experience, as I’ve been married for over 20 years; maybe that explains why I am relaxed about it, since I’m not in the arena. )  With respect to P4P?  *shrug*  Not necessarily a lot different.  There is this theme that a lot of clients participate in P4P because they’re unattractive and it’s the only way they can get laid.  I suspect that vastly overstates the situation.  We might not have a chance to fuck the 21-year-old cheerleader, and it might take more than the usual time and effort to find female companionship.  But most could, if they really wanted to.  If anything, P4P clients don’t suffer from HDS/over-confidence; instead, some suffer from a lack of confidence.  And in most cases, they shouldn’t.

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Disclaimer:  obviously all of the above is suspect to the extent it assumes my perspective or experiences can be extrapolated to or is shared by others.  My perspective/opinion may vary dramatically from the average guy.  I am not necessarily “normal” or average. Maybe better at some things; maybe worse at others; almost certainly different.