“Connection” / “chemistry”

A lot of participants in P4P talk about “connection” or “chemistry” as part of what makes a session particularly memorable or something the client is likely to repeat.  Here’s a recent thread on ECCIE, and another on ASPD.  There may be, ummm, a few similar references in this blog as well.

But for something that gets mentioned a lot, it is (usually) described in very vague terms.  We normally don’t talk much about what “connection” or “chemistry” mean, or why you may feel them with one person more than another.  We just assert C&C as a fact.

Maybe it’s something that defies explanation or shouldn’t be analyzed.  But as I was thinking about this recently, while reading those threads, I wondered whether “connection” or “chemistry” are something that mean significantly different things to different people. 

My dictionary says:

Chemistry:  the interaction of one personality with another; sympathetic understanding, rapport [which in turn means "harmonious or sympathetic understanding"]

Connect: to associate mentally or emotionally; to relate or be in harmony with another person

Connection: a circle of friends or associates

I suspect, at least in the context of P4P, that some people use such terms primarily to mean a high degree of sexual attraction and satisfaction.  Or perhaps to be on the receiving end of such?  That is, Ed feels C&C with Mary not simply because he feels a strong desire to have sex with her but more because he perceives that she feels a similarly strong desire to have sex with him?  And it leaves open the question of what causes that strong sexual attraction, in either direction – physical appearance/attributes (and which in particular), or behavior in the bedroom, or personality, or something else.

Or is it perhaps about extroversion in a general sense?  That you feel C&C with someone because they are very friendly, warm, outgoing and seem comfortable talking with and being around you?

Or is it compatible personalities?  And if so, what about that personality creates the feeling of connection/chemistry?  Presumably, something different for everyone.  And presumably, some people find a wider range than others of personalities that are “compatible.”

Something else altogether?  Or more than one of the above?

And is C&C more about how you feel about the other person . . . or how you perceive that other person feels about you?

If I were to guess, I’d guess that, in the context of P4P anyway, C&C may mean mostly a perception of strong sexual attraction by the other to you and/or liking the same types of sexual activities . . . but perhaps combined with either a generic comfort level or possibly compatible personalities.  But that would just be a guess.  Any thoughts from readers?  What do you mean by C&C?  What causes you to feel C&C with one person more than with another?  Input welcome.

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Certainly, a lady’s physical appearance influences whether or not I’m interested in seeing her for P4P.  It may be a necessary condition, but beyond that it seems to have little effect on whether I feel C&C with her.  (If anything, it might work in the other direction — if I feel C&C, I may tend to think she looks even more attractive than I might think otherwise.  Subconscious bias. ) Certainly, my perception that a lady was strongly sexually attracted to me could influence a feeling of C&C on my part as well.  Theoretically, anyway; it doesn’t come up often. And a sexual style that emphasizes the sensual is certainly a plus for me (for one thing, because I also subconsciously — not necessarily accurately — associate that with the lady feeling sexually attracted to me). 

General extroversion might also be a near requirement.  I’m an introvert, so if she is too, we may both just sit there waiting for the other to start an interesting conversation.  Lots of awkward silences. But being outgoing is not necessarily enough either.

For me, once the necessary requirements are satisfied, I think C&C is mostly about compatible personalities.  Of course, that might be reciprocal in nature as well — if I particularly like various aspects of her personality, I may subconsciously think it more probable that she would like and be attracted to my personality. :)

What aspects of a lady’s personality turn me on?  Intelligence (as opposed to “street smarts”), humor (with a premium for the “wit” variety), laid-back, positive outlook, well-read, articulate and a good conversationalist, empathy/sympathy/understanding of others, perceptive, curious, happy, with definite opinions and willing to defend them but open to other ideas.  And beyond that, perhaps at least some degree of overlap in experiences and interests.  I’ve run across a fair number of ladies, particularly the younger ones, with whom I would probably never socialize outside BCD — we just don’t enjoy the same things.  Of course, there’s less pressure on those differences while BCD . . .

That’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with other personalities and I might get along very well with them too.  But it’s less likely.  For example, there’s nothing I would perceive as particularly negative about a lady who wrote a personal ad like this:

“If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape.
I’m the lady you’ve looked for, write to me, and escape.”

(Complete lyrics here)  But there’s also nothing about it that would make me think we’re a particularly good match either.  If those are the things that a lady identified as her “dream guy,” I would likely be a disappointment.  That doesn’t mean that we would drive each other crazy, but we might bore each other to tears. And it certainly isn’t a reflection on the lady.

I choose ladies, and see them on a repeat basis, for a number of reasons and maximally compatible personalities aren’t always part of the equation.  As I mentioned, physical appearance and extroversion may be necessary but not sufficient.  What else?  It might just be that the sex is incredible, or convenience (location/schedule/available on short notice), or great customer relations, etc.  But without significantly compatible personalities, I would be at least somewhat less likely to feel C&C.

[This may sound a little bit like dating and eHarmony.com.  To some extent, I suppose that's true.  The type of lady with whom I feel C&C in P4P is probably the type whom, under other circumstances, I would be interested in dating as a civilian.  At the same time, yes, I always keep in mind the boundaries of P4P.  I don't expect or pursue a civilian relationship with a lady I saw in P4P.  No restraining orders necessary. ]

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That would help explain why ladies will not always be able to elicit a feeling of C&C with all — or even, for some, most — clients.  Empathy and extroversion and skill at communication and taking an interest in your clients may not be enough.  WALDT/CASG when it comes to what makes us feel C&C and also when it comes to what are compatible personalities.  There are several ladies I’ve seen who are very popular but with whom I didn’t feel much C&C.  (Although I might still have enjoyed my time with them and have seen them repeatedly.)  That may just mean that those other guys who are so crazy about her: (a) feel C&C based on factors other than compatible personalities; or (b) have personalities very different from mine.  To the extent that I feel C&C with a lower percentage of ladies I’ve seen than other clients experience — that may just mean that my personality is a bit, ummm, out of the ordinary.

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Of course, when “compatible personalities” strongly influence a feeling of C&C in P4P, it’s not always easy to anticipate that and seekit  out in advance; sometimes you have to rely on trial and error.  Reviews rarely focus much on a lady’s personality — it can be rather hard to convey, not to mention that what Ed interprets one way I might interpret very differently.  A lady’s website, ads, or just general discussion posts may give some hints, but she may not have a very accurate self-image (Robert Burns, anyone?) and most of those communications either don’t address her personality much or have to be carefully limited.  Most escorts can’t limit their clientele to only those with whom they’re the most compatible, and “advertising” that is too targeted may alienate too many potential clients.  “But to attract a large array of clients, we do have to be somewhat malleable in their imagination before they meet us. Marketing to too specific a clientele is as unwise at not presenting any personality at all.”  (The latter seems more common than the former.)  Few ladies indicate the type of client they would prefer at all, or don’t go beyond a fairly bland reference to “kind” or “generous” or “classy” guys.  I’ve seen a few that have been more specific, but not many.  Understandably.

(lehuh has suggested a few times here that ladies should be more specific in advertising and not try to be all things to all clients.  Perhaps.  Maybe the question is not whether she’s exactly what the client thought and wanted . . . but whether she’s far enough away from what the client wanted that she risks a negative review when he discovers the reality.  Crossing that second line is a definite risk, but some do it.  I don’t know if that’s because they don’t really realize, no matter how clearly it’s explained, what he’s looking for or because the short-term gratification of money in hand outweighs the long-term detriment.)

I think there have been few of my favorites and/or regulars for whom I really had a good sense of their personality ahead of time, just based on their ads, websites, or posts.  Probably Caitie and Carrie.  Maybe Tabitha and Alice.  But not Violet or Ashley or Jennifer or Cathy or Dayin or Avery Ashton — their personalities really didn’t come through very clearly from their participation on the boards.  Not Jenna — her personality did come through more clearly than some, but I saw her before I’d spent much time on ASPD reading her posts.

Actually, one way of assessing a lady’s personality is by looking at which other clients seem to particularly like her.  Sometimes you can perform some transitive analysis — “if she is compatible with him, and he and I are a lot different, then she and I may not be compatible” or “if she is compatible with him, and he and I seem fairly similar, then she and I may be compatible as well.”  I’m not sure how accurate that method is.  I don’t necessarily employ it consciously, but I’m sure — for at least a few clients whose personalities are fairly obvious from their public posts — I consider it subconsciously.  Not often, but occasionally.

Although the ladies may be less likely to screen for personality (except at the extremes), it might be a bit easier for them to get a sense of our personalities than it is for us to get a sense of theirs.  Many of us tend to post on P4P boards more than most of them.  And, relying on P4P being a buyers’ market in many ways, most clients are not as guarded in what we say.  Although perhaps we should be.