Convenience — choose where or when, not both

I saw a mildly amusing thread on ASPD the other day about escorts’ attitudes toward the profession.  Nothing at all profound and not really much content; I would summarize it as:  GUYS:  “We wish more of you approached this like a full-time job and were at your ‘office’ from 9 to 6.  It would improve our chances of getting laid at a convenient time and on short notice, and might increase your income.”  GALS (not all of them):  “We prefer to approach this like a part-time job.  When there’s work, there’s work, but otherwise the flexible schedule and freedom during the day are some of the attractions of this profession.”  To each his or her own; no big deal.  I saw mostly independents, rather than studios or massage parlors, so of course the percentage of “part-timers” was significantly higher for me. 

But it started me thinking (always dangerous!) about how part-time ladies approached the incall situation differently.  Some had apartments or extended-stay hotels; others used regular hotels, and changed constantly.  The approach they chose could significantly affect convenience, but in different ways.

In some respects, I preferred an apartment or other fixed location.  It was nice knowing where it would be even before I exchanged emails for an appointment and a long-term location (even if a separate incall rather than where they lived) felt more homey and comfortable, less like a sterile hotel room.  A few of the locations were particularly convenient.  Violet had an incall at one time that was very near my office, just a few minutes away for a lunch-time or early morning rendezvous.  Caitie Mae’s is not too far off the route between my home and office, and it worked very well for swinging by on my daily commute (particularly in the morning).  Convenience wasn’t the reason I wanted to see Violet or Caitie Mae . . . but it sure didn’t hurt.

But those were the exceptions.  Unfortunately, most fixed location incalls were not conveniently located, at least for me.  I guess too many of their clients were located closer to Far North Dallas or the mid-cities/Fort Worth.    For most of them, well, if it takes 30 minutes to drive there, an hour+ for the session, 30 minutes to drive back . . . ouch!  I did drive long distances (often greater than 30 minutes) to see special ladies like Cathy, Leigh, or Ashley Ash, but it was growing more and more difficult to get away for that long, particularly when trying to avoid attention from my co-workers and particularly on short notice because I couldn’t predictably plan far in advance.

In theory, a floating location (using different hotels) would make it easier for an escort to accommodate my location preferences, but that didn’t always work out well either.  Many of the girls picked hotels that were also out of my way, which made sense if they were seeing other clients the same day. 

There was one lady who often had more flexibility as to location, if she didn’t have other plans that day.  She would wait to book the hotel room until we agreed on the appointment time, usually a couple of hours away.  Call it a “just-in-time incall.”    She could usually find a good location, essentially a minimal detour on my daily commute.  In a couple of cases, she even wound up at a hotel a block away, which I could easily visit for a “nooner.”    Of course, using Priceline to minimize her costs, she couldn’t always control the location exactly, but she could usually get one of a few places nearby.

One positive of a fixed location incall, of course, is timing.  It’s a lesser version of the advantage of the “full-timer” who spends the entire day at the incall.  Even a “part-time” lady can readily meet you at a fixed location incall on short notice; she already has the place ready and all her things are there.  With a “just-in-time incall,” by contrast, she has to find and book a hotel room,  notify me where, gather all her things together, drive there, check in (which could be a disaster at times), get ready for my visit, keep me apprised of her progress, etc.  A lot more to do, and very easy to fall behind schedule — often my “just-in-time” friend was delayed significantly from the agreed time.    Convenience as to location, but not as to time.

In the end, both fixed and floating had advantages and disadvantages.  The disadvantages, different for each time, were significant factors in the decline in my participation.  The scope of what constituted “convenient,” for both location and time, got a lot smaller and it seemed almost impossible to find a lady who fit my restrictive requirements.  If not for that . . . well, even today, when I’m cutting back or semi-retired, if a favorite lady emailed me and could commit to be at a convenient location at a convenient time (and be on time) . . . .

Saying goodbye to a regular?

[Warning:  Much of what follows may sound like sloppy romanticism, confusing this business with dating or similar civilian relationships.  Well, although it's important to know the difference, in part it's a matter of degree; there are similarities, and it's difficult to discuss this without using some of the language from the dating world.  Rest assured, I do know the difference and respect the boundaries.]

In the last entry, I said that — despite an apparent consensus to the contrary — it seemed perfectly OK to me from a business perspective for an escort to be disappointed that a regular had stopped calling, although he is still seeing other girls.  In the comments, Gillette raised the point that it should also be reasonable for an escort to feel at least a tweak from a personal perspective in that situation.  After all, if an escort whom I saw regularly stopped taking my calls although she was still seeing other guys, I’d be disappointed.  Fair enough.  Some people deny the legitimacy of feelings in this business, but I won’t.  Escorts are people too, and they cannot share something this intimate with someone a number of times on a regular basis and be unaffected — any more than clients can.

So I’ll agree that it’s “just common human decency” to say goodbye when ending the business relationship, though it seems that it shouldn’t matter whether he/she is still continuing to see other escorts/clients or he/she is retiring.  [*]  And in the case of retirement, the goodbye should be a personal goodbye rather than a generic announcement on a discussion board, or just disappearing; some way of acknowledging “you were not just another anonymous escort/client.”  A public announcement may eliminate uncertainty about what happened, but it’s a good idea to tell your regulars privately as well.

(Yeah, there is the question of who qualifies as a “regular” — perhaps relatively few will — and the potential problem that A will consider B a regular but not vice-versa.  I’m ignoring those for purposes of this discussion.)

Often both clients and escorts skip those goodbyes.   Gillette talked about it from the perspective of the effect on an “abandoned” escort, but I think the same thing happens frequently with clients, with similar results on their psyches.  Do escorts really say goodbye to their regulars any more consistently than clients do?  I suspect not.

But I don’t think that it’s because we (the generic we, including both escorts and clients) are sloughing it off because the other should realize it was just business.  Well, sometimes, but not often.  I think it’s more a matter of fear, of two different varities.

First, the extreme awkwardness of saying goodbye when it implies we’ve lost interest in, or even taken a dislike to, the other.  The implication will almost always be there when we (the generic we) continue to see other clients/escorts and just stop seeing that one regular.  The implication is probably strongest, or most negative, when it’s an escort refusing to see a regular client any more.  A client may stop calling just because he wants some variety, or thinks he’s getting too close, not because there’s anything wrong with the escort he’s been seeing regularly.  Escorts generally decide against seeing a regular again only because of something she dislikes, not because of a lack of interest — “interest” usually is not a prerequisite for her the same way it is for him.  (Yes, there are exceptions.)  In either direction, though, it’s awkward.  After you say goodbye, how do you answer “Why?”  So some don’t say goodbye in order to avoid that awkward feeling.  In some cases, though, the imagination of the person left behind  may conjure up something worse than reality.  Not to mention that without a goodbye there’s uncertainty for awhile — is this a temporary situation due to unusual circumstances, or permanent?

Second, the fear of embarrassment or appearing foolish.  This is a fear, not just in this intimate business but in most human interactions, that the other is more important to you than you are to the other.  What if you say/imply “you were important to me” and he/she is thinking “ummm, OK, but you were just another escort/client to me.”  (Or the fear that they’ll think you’re trying to manipulate them somehow, which appears particularly strong in this business.)  That fears drives the “cool/cynical/impersonal” persona some adopt, not just in this business but in civilian relationships.  I suspect this fear is particularly strong for clients.  After all, the escort at least knows that he chose to see her (rather than other ladies) on a regular basis.  And the stereotype is that the typical client is not someone whom the typical escort would choose, absent the $$$.  But maybe this fear is as strong for escorts as it is for clients; I simply don’t know.  In any event, it’s very easy, on both sides, to think “oh well, he/she sees lots of people, and will deal with my leaving just fine; I’m not that important to him/her.”  I have to admit that I hesitated over the goodbyes I emailed when I “retired” last year . . . and I’m fairly sure that I was correct in guessing that at least some of the ladies to whom I said goodbye thought of me as just another client.  On the other hand, maybe there were some whom I left off the list who would have appreciated it.  It’s very hard to tell, particularly because of the illusions inherent in this business.

So . . . I may not have said goodbye to regulars as often as I should have.  Perhaps most of us, escorts and clients alike, could do a better job of this. 

(No surprises here.  This sounds depressingly like a rather banal “Advice to the Lovelorn” column, doesn’t it?)

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[*]  In the comments to that last entry, I mentioned recalling only one time that an escort whom I saw regularly stopped responding to my emails/calls even though she was still seeing other clients.  (Of course there may have been others who retired without a goodbye.)  When I think about it, though, there were probably more who dropped me while continuing to see other clients.  What about when an escort drops out of sight, but continues working either “under the radar” or using a different stage name?  In a situation like that, if she doesn’t contact me to tell me she’s still available . . . well, it’s a passive version, but in effect it’s still a decision to not see me again.  I suspect there were some of those.

In general, though, I don’t feel particularly abused or abandoned.  Most regulars have either told me goodbye or had good reasons for not doing so.

Confusion

A thread over on ASPD about “Ladies, does it ever bother you when a regular doesn’t call?“  Many of the comments seem to display a fundamental confusion.  When you say that escorts should not be upset when a regular stops seeing her, or that there are not supposed to be any strings attached . . . the underlying reason is that “escorting” is not “dating.”  Well, sure.  But that’s because it is a business relationship.  Wouldn’t most businesses that build up a loyal clientele want to retain their business?  And be disappointed when a customer defects to a competitor, and want to get them back?  I certainly would be.  Entirely natural.

Yes, a guilt trip based on blurring the boundaries — acting as though you’re his girlfriend rather than “girlfriend experience” — is inappropriate manipulation.  But I see nothing necessarily wrong with being disappointed if he stops coming around (although a lot of guys make a policy of rarely if ever seeing the same girl twice), or even taking affirmative actions to get his business back.  Arguably the latter should carefully avoid guilt trips and should not involve “unfair competition,” and I’m not trying to imply she should offer discounts to get business back.  What would be wrong, though, with a discrete email saying “Hey, it’s been awhile and I’d love to see you again if you’re interested”?  As long as she doesn’t carry it to extremes where she’s pestering him.

Or maybe . . .

Well, after some more thought — provoked by some questions in the comments by Gillette    — my motivation for stopping/cutting back was a bit more mixed than I thought.  There are reasons for doing it anyway, but part of the motivation was probably laziness.