Newbie Survival Guide

Well, the new ASPD forum is up.  Seems like a combination of glossary and “Ask the Moderators.”  I commented earlier about inherent problems with this sort of thing.  A link to acronym/abbreviation lists is a positive, and it seems they intend to continue to expand it.   But at the end of the day, will people really read this or just jump in without reading the manual?  I hope it works . . . but I’m still skeptical.

How do providers use reviews in screening?

Caitie Mae recently commented on her blog suggesting that providers “screen” hobbyists in part by looking at the reviews they’ve posted.  I went ahead and added a Reviews page (and linked from the main page), although it seemed somewhat strange to include all reviews.  I’ve posted only 5 or 6 since the Crash, and many date back to 2002 or early 2003.

More over-reaction??

People jumping all over a new provider for rapid-posting meaningless posts on a number of threads, to raise her post count so she could post a custom avatar.  Well, sure, she should not have done that.  It’s rude and disrespectful.  But, was there any “rule” posted anywhere that would have warned her of that?  I don’t think so.  She should have realized that it would violate community standards and annoy people, but it’s the type of thing a lot of other people have done at one point or another without thinking.  So . . . educate her.  Not sure the piling-on is really needed, particularly after St.Chris told her it’s inappropriate.  And a temporary suspension?  Or guys refusing to schedule with her?  Seems like an over-reaction to me.  If failing to think before doing something stupid on ASPD is worthy of suspension, we might see a drastic drop in activity.

“Bubble bursting” as antidote

That last entry may have sounded a bit more dark and cynical than intended.  Certainly there are very some close provider/hobbyist friendships that develop in, even transcend, the hobby. And even if a provider forgots a hobbyist until the next time, it doesn’t mean that he’s a nullity.  Heck, some of my friends probably think of me rarely if ever between the times we get together.  It’s natural.  And when you get back together, you resume where you left off, not as strangers. 

But there are some guys who would still be bothered by that, who need the fantasy/illusion that he is very important to the provider.  Sometimes that is carried too far.  (See this post by TexasRebel — possible example??)  For guys who are carried away by the fantasy/illusion, maybe a good antidote is to read an escort blog that discusses openly and frankly her feelings about the hobby and doesn’t cater to the fantasy.  A couple of possibilities that I’ve recently looked at:  Compartments and Clandestine Call Girl (courtesy of Caitie Mae’s blog).  Not easy to find such; many escorts who have “blogs” are rather boring or poorly-written, and any associated with a “public” persona still working may be limited in how frank it can be.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend these to everyone.  But I think they would be interesting for those who have a healthy and realistic attitude toward the hobby.  And beneficial for those who have a lot of difficulty separating fantasy/illusion from the reality — a sort of “shock therapy” antidote to that problem.

“Forgotten”

A quote from the Clandestine Call Girl blog (linked through Caitie Mae’s blog): “I absorb the attention he shows me and walk the walk of a girlfriend and then once we part ways, forget about him until the next time I see him.” For all the talk about “friendships” in the hobby, I assume that’s typical of how most providers think about almost all their clients. (Of course some hobbyists, although probably a lower percentage, think the same way about almost all the providers they see.)

I think the realization that they’re immediately and easily forgotten probably bothers a fair number of hobbyists, even the realists among them. (Not all of course; many or even most hobbyists may be impervious.) Even if not seeking more than a momentary experience, being forgotten would seem rougher on the psyche if by someone with whom you’ve been intimate, as opposed for example to being forgotten by your doctor or butcher or (legit) masseuse.

I wonder whether that works in reverse. Probably not, since hobbyists seek “illusion” from the hobby in a way that providers rarely would, particularly if the provider has a strong relationship with an SO. Although, of course, providers are subject to other types of emotional pressure from the hobby.

Is this really “drama-worthy”?

A new member, UsedCarMan, has posted some reviews (here, here, and here) that have caused a stir, both in replies to the reviews and also in a thread Kayla started about first impressions.  Well, it’s true his arrogance, egotism (or maybe he’s just making up for intense feelings of insecurity?), and/or stupidity are pretty amusing, in a sad way.  But I’m not sure they justify the extent and vehemence of the responses.  Sure, express community standards and try to steer him in the right direction, but no need to keep beating a dead horse.  Wouldn’t derision and/or pity be more appropriate than anger?  (To his *minimal* credit, he did imply elsewhere at least recognition of the problem, asking about “starting over.”)

Not that this sort of piling-on, with people feeling compelled to post to say what has already been said, is that unusual. It’s just one aspect of “mob mentality” that I find a bit tiresome.

Note: I’m talking about his bragging and the chest-beating style of reviews.  A specific totally inappropriate behavior on his part, as stated in one of the reviews, is another thing altogether.  That not only is worthy of public condemnation and censure but also prompt reporting to every provider in town through back-channel alert lists.

Providers suggestions for hobbyists

I’ve commented, here and here, about problems associated with public complaints by providers about hobbyists.  That’s not to say that they can’t communicate some of that information in a way that doesn’t create the problems.  Jenna had a few posts about what not to do (links are in the General Reference thread on Dallas Discussions) that got favorable responses.

Here is a good example, from Caitie Mae’s blog.  What makes this most effective?  Well, it’s on her blog rather than on ASPD and thus probably viewed only by people who are favorably disposed to her — in fact, I think someone suggested a post from her just like this.  Also it’s expressed in general terms rather than commenting (indirectly) about a specific negative incident.  Most importantly, I think, is the tone — it’s expressed in terms of “doing this is really good” rather than “doing this is really bad.”  You can usually express things different ways, focusing on how to do better rather than what the guys do wrong, and she has a good understanding of the psychology.  Even with an item or two that I’m guilty of, there wasn’t a twinge of resentment at her bringing it up. Excellent job!

A good addition, but how much will it really help?

In this thread, ck1942 talks about a new forum they’re working on, a Newbie Survival Guide.  I’ve commented in this blog before, here and here, about making information more accessible to members.  What ck is talking about may be easier to find, and it may contain additional information, compared to earlier attempts.  But will it really work?  Different people approach a board like ASPD different ways. 

There’s always one

In the midst of a thread about ASPD being a kinder/gentler place lately, a comment that it’s because of the attitude of the mods.  Which sounds nice and reasonable, but the emphasis on the “new mods” checking their egos at the door also sounds as though it may have been intended as a shot at some of the old mods.   No, I’m not being overly defensive/sensitive because I think I’m among those he might be taking a shot at.  These types of jabs are usually aimed at Deuce, Allstar, or Bubba.  Few members had any real problems with me when I was a mod.  In political polling terms, I didn’t tend to get as high of “favorable” ratings as many colleagues, but I had one of the lowest “unfavorable” ratings.  But even if it’s not directed at me . . . I notice it.

Reactions to the hobby

In the very beginning, I was motivated more by physical need . . . and to a significant degree, didn’t look for or feel much of a “connection” to the provider.   I guess I was objectifying them.  In any event, I went into a session, came out, and gave little thought to it until the next time.

Five years or so ago, I started concentrating on the independent girls in Dallas, rather than agencies or AMPs, and also started repeating with some of the same girls.  I started reading and posting to ASPD around the same time.  Gradually, I became more involved — both electronic participation in a “community” and with more of a “connection” with at least some of the providers I saw.  In some respects, it was more enriching and more fun that my previous hobby style.

In the past year or so, I’ve noticed a couple of interesting — and somewhat contradictory? — trends.